A Day in the Life of Me

Yet another excerpt from my new favorite book

2006-12-27T17:37:00.000-05:00

I really suggest reading the book The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make by Carolyn N. Bushong, L.P.C

"In the instant intimacy of sex, you feel loved, appreciated, value, and wanted. No wonder you make the mistake of believing this is really love when you should be telling yourself, This is just sex. Sex is an intense physical initmacy, and with someone you barely know, that is all it is and all it can ever be. If you remind yourself that your partner's intensity probably has more to do with his own need to be loved than with any love he may profess for you, it will be easier to avoid making more of the experience than it is. This is not to say that he may not be attracted to you or that he may not enjoy being with you at that moment. He might feel these things, and so might you. But these feelings apply only to that moment, and they tell you nothing about your long-term prospects."

Top 10 Things Men Wish Women Knew...but Will Never Tell Them

2006-12-27T15:54:00.000-05:00

1. The more available to me you are, the less I want you
2. I often act macho because for my whole life I've been told that this is what you really want.
3. I really do like strong women, as long as they don't use that strength just to bust my balls
4. I don't often talk to you becaue I think you really don't want to hear about my pain.
5. I fear deep, intense relationships because I'm afraid I'll let you manipulate me, and that threatens my masculinity.
6. I feel powerful when I take care of you, but I lose respect for a woman who cannot or will not take care of herself.
7. When I let you have your way, I sometimes hold it against you later.
8. Even though I say you're too emotional, your emotions make me feel alive when I'm with you.
9. When I'm quick to say i'm in love with you, I'll probably be equally quick to leave you.
10. Even though I act tough, I need love just as much as you do, and deep down I'm just as confused about how to find it.
- Carolyn N. Bushong

Friends come and go

2006-11-11T15:15:00.000-05:00

Well Bloggers I haven't posted anything in FOREVER. I guess I've been too busy.. So many things happening in the life of me.. Writing is good for the mind.. so I really should have made time to write.. A lot has changed in my life in regards to friends and such. I find it so strange that things like that can change so much.. but hey it happens. My life turned into an emotional train wreck after my accident. So, I decided that there may have been underlying issues and it would be best for me to talk to a specialist. For the past few months I have been seeing a specialist once a week. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder.) I have had a bunch of traumatic events happen to me in the past few years and I guess my accident just pushed me over the edge. But now I'm learning how to deal with things much better and my life is a lot less stressful. I guess it is the combination of therapy and celexa.

Brian and I have started talking and hanging out again.... (he was my date to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball pictures are on my myspace page)and a few of my other friends have since stopped talking. Which leads me to my blog that I recently posted on myspace.

So I was with some friends last night and one of my friends was like.. Hey what ever happened to ____? I was like.. ooh yeah well for some reason we stopped talking.. I didn't really know the reason why but hey I'm not stressin about it.. They were like wow.. .you and _____ were attached to the hip.. Every time I would see you for like 2 months you were together. So it made me wonder.. How can someone be like your best friend.. and then just one day out of nowhere it all just ends like that.. If someone is truly your friend can they just drop you out of their life like that? One of the struggles of life is finding those people that you can really trust and really truly consider your friends. People come and go and it sucks.. but I guess that some people are just really not supposed to be your friend.

I guess I could say that recently this has happened more times then one.. but that was one that just really stood out in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I did something wrong? But then I think about it.. and well.. people are going to act the way they want to act. They are going to choose the friends they want to choose... and it is out of my control rather it is me they choose to have as their friend or not. And when that time comes that they decide they no longer want to be your friend..... you just have to keep moving on. You can't let those things stop you or hold you back. There are so many people in the world to get hung up on trying to keep those happy that really might not care about you. And if one day they decide that they made the wrong decision and they want to be your friend again.. you have to decide if you feel you can be hurt again by they way they might treat you, or you have to forgive and forget. But a true friend will be there whenever the other needs something.

It reminds me of a situation when I was back in high school.... My best friend and I did not speak to eachother for months... and I didn't really know why.. and then one day I was on my way to school and I got a flat tire on the highway. Next thing my best friend drives by and notices my car. So, she stopped and asked me what was wrong. She gave me a ride to school and from that day on we squashed our differences. In that situation it made me realize that she was really my friend.. because when I was in need she was there for me despite the fact that we didn't talk for such a long time.

anyway... time to do something productive today..

Well Bloggers I hope to have more posts coming this way... till next time.. Have a Blessed Day.

Inspiration

2006-08-14T18:06:00.000-05:00

One of my inspiring songs right now...

Maxi Priest

Believe in Love

Seen so many things through out my life
The only thing I ever seen survive the test of time is the strength of your love
When right seems wrong and wrong seems right just be careful be strong

[ Whatever my eyes can see, my heart can feel
Thats why I believe in love
Knowing my eyes can see, sure as the deep blue sea
Thats why I believe in love ]

You kissed me with everlasting smile
Gotta give thanks for the way you touch my life with your love
When right seems wrong and wrong seems right Ill be careful Ill be strong

[ Repeat ]

Well I can read your heart through your tears conquer my fears
Giving the benefit that you really care
Girl, I trust my heart in this love affair
Im here because I wanna be here
See girl just having you in my life playing my wife
Have me believing that this could be right
Yo, girl your love cuts like a knife
Im hoping youll show me the light

In the moments when Im alone
In the times when Im not sure
I can always call on you
In the moments when Im impaired
When it seems like no ones there
Theres one thing I know is true
I can always count on you

[ Repeat ]

In the moments when Im alone
In the times when Im not sure
I can always call on you
In the moments when Im impaired
When it seems like no ones there
Theres one thing I know is true
I can always count on you

When to Walk Away

2006-08-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking about this blog post all morning, but when I finally get a chance to pluck away at the keys my mind draws a blank. How convenient is that? Well I'm going to attempt to put some thoughts together on this matter and see how it comes out.

Knowing when to walk away from something is a hard thing for most people to do. No matter what the situation actually is you force yourself to believe that it is what you want it to be. I have been in this situation many times, and every single time fails to realize it and when someone points it out I'm in denial. How do you know when to walk away? Sometimes you feel so strongly about a situation that you just do not want to let it go. Do you let go, or do you keep telling yourself that things are going to work the way you want them to? It's always a hard choice to make.

My suggestions in the aspect of relationships....... Keep in mind they are my suggestions.. That even I can not seem to realize or do at times...

When tireless effort turns into tiresome effort....
You can be working so tirelessly for days, weeks, months to figure out if it is going to be or if it is not going to be, but when your body starts getting exhausted maybe it's best to take the hint and figure out that it's never going to happen..

When you begin to feel as though you are on a one way road.....
At first when someone starts to like someone they try to figure out if the feeling is mutual, because they want it to be everything that the other person does that could even have the slightest hint towards being a mutual feeling they take it as a yes... Over time they may begin feeling as though all of those things they were doing before aren't happening any more, but they are still doing them.. They still put that person at the top of their list no matter what the circumstance, but the come to find out it is a one way road... I think that once that feeling starts to come the person needs to just step back and say.. Hey maybe I need to walk away from this because I might end up getting let down.

When the feeling of detachment comes into play...
Ok so maybe I'm not sure how to put this one.. But here goes nothing. Say you and this person are really hanging out with each other a lot, almost every day, and then all of the sudden it changes. Now if you even see each other once or twice a week you are lucky. The long nightly phone calls turn into a phone call like once a week or once every few days and only for a very short amount of time. To me that is a sign of detachment. Maybe initial feelings they had changed or they got scared because they were spending too much time with that person, so they had to remove them self from the situation.... But they still keep you hanging there on a string, because they never know when they are going to be lonely and want to pull on that string.

When the break down in communication begins to happen...
Remember when at first you could talk to each other about anything? You knew what was on their mind and they knew what was on your mind.. Heck you were even completing the other person's sentences. You got that feeling of ooh man we are perfect for each other because we know what the other person is feeling and thinking... When that communication stops you might want to consider walking away, because that says that either you or the other person no longer feels comfortable sharing their problems, stories, or whatever with you. If you can not communicate there will never be anything out of the relationship.

Well I had so many more ideas this morning, but I just can't seem to remember any of them right now. I think it's part of this whole depression thing I'm going through right now, but the good news is.. I'm going to talk to a specialist tomorrow and I'm sure they will be able to offer a wealth of knowledge.. This will in turn give me more to write about. This blog thing helps me to get some of my feelings out of my brain and I feel good about it because I'm sure there are people going through the same type of situations I'm going through.. And any little insight can help.. I know it helps me.

You may wonder why I post this blog..? Well I've been thinking about some advice I have received and given some of my friends.. We can all relate and we are all going through, have gone through, or will go through this type of situation. I have recently received some great advice from a good friend of mine about one of my situations.. And I kept telling her other wise... But in the past couple days I've been thinking hard about the situations and analyzing things so I came up with my little bit of insight.. What I do with it.. I don't know... But I feel good knowing that I have brained stormed and maybe some people will be able to offer good advice or take advice from it. Does it cure my problem.....? No not at all... But it opens my eyes to the whole picture a little more and keeps me from being stuck inside of my own perspective from inside my little box...

On that note bloggers It's time for me to go get my clothing from the cleaners..

Have a blessed day..

Lonely

2006-08-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

My random thought for the day...

Well I will hopefully be able to see a doctor soon and find out what this craziness is going on in my head. I think I'm going through depression. My accident made me realize how lonely I really am. I really need someone in my life that I can come home to, love, and care for. Nights out with the girls are Great... But they don't fill that empty spot in my heart. I just wish I were able to express my feelings..... I'm trying.. But maybe my efforts are worthless (most likely)...

anyway....

Random Thoughts for Today

2006-08-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

I finally did it.... No musicless metro rides, no more musicless rides (when it get my new bike), and no more musicless workout sessions... I got my new IPOD. Yesterday I spent 4 straight hours finding new music.. 30 gig is a lot more room then my little 4 gig ipod. I'm so excited because now I can put videos and pictures on it. I'm sure I will spend many hours in front of my computer trying to find things to put on it.

I'm kind of getting a little interested in astrology. I never really cared much about my astrology sign and what it means. I always looked at that as being superficial, but recent conversations with various people has sparked an interest. Maybe it will help me to understand maybe why things could possibly play out the way they do.... Just a thought..

My family is planning their annual family picnic, and it's coming up in a few weeks.. I'm so up in the air if I want to go or not.. There are only a few people in my family I really care to see, and that's probably my parents and my grandmothers. My mother told me to bring whoever I want, hmmmm.. Do I really want to take one of my friends to meet the whole family? Most of my friends are guys and I am sure that almost every one of them would get freaked out if I was like hey you wanna go meet my family... I dunno what to do... It's at this amusement park... And I haven't been to one of them in YEARS.. But I really don't want to go alone and my family.. Well... They're not really people I hang out with..... I'll figure it out..... I still have 2 weeks..

So this blog has been sitting n my drafts for 2 days now.. It's about time I publish it and work on a new one..

till next post bloggers...

Healing

2006-08-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

I've been dealing with a very annoying amount of pain ever since the accident, and the doctor can't keep giving me narcotics because they are highly addictive, but I can handle the pain.. If it doesn't kill me, it makes me stronger... So anyway, I started Physical Therapy today. Let me tell you.... Electro-stimulation, or whatever they call it, is GREAT. I love it. I get to lay on a bed for 20 min and control the amount of electricity my muscles receive. I find it very relaxing, and it is great for relieving some of the pain. I mean I'm still very sore when I get up from a stationary position, but that is understandable. I'm assuming that my back should be better sometime within the next few weeks... Which means, time for me to start looking for a new bike. I probably should take care of getting the SV paid off first.

Now on to the world of my emotional life. Well things have been pretty much at a stand still. I'm still hella confused about a lot of things. I can't figure out what I want, and I find myself getting my feelings hurt about stupid stuff. I have been trying to express my feelings and communicate what's going on in my mind, but sometimes I feel real stupid doing that, but I guess it helps. I'm caught in the middle of something right now... It's me trying to decide where I need to be relationship wise. I feel this emptiness inside and for some reason I keep thinking that it can only be filled by somebody. When I'm by myself it kills me, and when I'm with somebody I feel good, even if it is just hanging out watching movies, listening to music, playing video games, or doing whatever. Then would come my challenging situation.. Say I do decide it's time for me to be in a relationship... How do I choose the right one? I've made so many mistakes in the past and been treated horribly by just about every guy. How do I ensure that I don't allow that to happen to me again? In my mind my ideal person would be someone that has a lot of things in common with me... Someone that I feel I can do anything with.. If I want to go to a Reggae Concert... I want them to want to go with me and know that they are going to have a good time.... If I want to get on my bike and go ride.. I want them to be able to get on a bike and ride with me.... But in the same time I want to be able to have that time when I can just hang out with my friends and be secure knowing that I'm either going to go home to their house, or their at my house at the end of the night, or know that they will be waiting for a phone call from me to make sure that I made it home safely, and the same situation for them. I want for there to be a trust that is never compromised. I guess that everyone strives for the same situation.. But very rarely will the ever find it. Maybe one day the guy of my dreams will just walk into my life and ease my mind of lonely times.

And for one last thing...My frustration...I really need to stop being so dang shy.. And act upon my thoughts... Man would my life be a lot more exciting......grrrrrrrrrrr

tell next time bloggers
have a Blessed Day.

Where do you draw the line between being nice, and being too nice?

2006-07-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

After a long week and a half of recovery from the accident I decide last night that I need to get out. I've been stuck in the house for too long, I needed to get out to enjoy some reggae music and a few Red Stripes. So my homegirl didn't have to work this morning so I said let's go out. At around 11 I scoop her up and we head out to Adams Morgan..... Ooh you gotta love Adams Morgan... We're walking down the street trying to figure out where we are going, and I suggest Timehri's... or however you spell it... So we are walking by and these 2 old guys decide they are gonna try and holla at my girl.. I'm thinking to myself.. Ooh no here we go.. Then this other dude gives her his number when the other 2 guys are trying to get her number. I'm thinking damn people.. Can you be more pathetic?... So we go across the street to Bukom Cafe.. In there we have a drink.. It was chill. After our drink we walk back to Timehri's. There aren't too many people in there at this point, so it's cool. We get drinks and chill. Next thing you know a few guys try talkin to ol' girl. I'm just chillen minding my own business... Enjoying the music... So I get this glimpse of a guy out of the corner of my eye.. And I tell her.. That guy is a little cute. So a few minutes later she goes over there to talk to him. She comes back and informs me that cute boy was married but he wanted to dance with me.. And I was like... Nah I'm cool I don't really want to dance right. So time goes by and some other guy comes over and tries to buy the both of us drinks. He was being very cool and respectable. I was grateful of that. Because I was sick of hearing the cheezie pick up lines that people were sayin to my girl.. This guy was just tryin to have conversation... So I entertained the situation. We sat there and talked and laughed about how everybody was tryin to holla at ol girl. Then she vanishes to the dance floor. Next thing you know the lights come on... And it's time to go home. I'm excited by this point. I'm like cool I can go home and take my pain meds... Well once we get outside of the club.. The guys were going wild. The were waiting in line to talk to this girl. I think it's her charm.. or the fact that she is soooo nice to everybody. Then she wants pizza, so we go get her some pizza. After a million more guys talk to her these other 2 guys decide to walk to the car with us.. And I'm like.. Man we cool.. We are going home, and she continued to be nice.. So they continued to follow.. Next thing I'm sitting in my car listening to some vybz and dude decides he is going to sit in my car and start touching my stereo.. Ok so I soooooo wasn't having that at this point... I was ready to go home and I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear.. And dude started actin stupid.. So I was pushing him out of my car.. And he was trying to keep playin with the stereo.. I was like Mothafukka... get out of my car.. And Drea.. I'M READY TO GO. So we get in the car and head home.. I ended up staying at her house because she lives right down the road from my work..

The moral to my long ass rant.. With poor punctuation and no paragraph breaks... Is.. Sometimes people have to learn when to stop being so nice to everybody. If people are waiting in line to holla at you.. you are being too nice.. Maybe it's just my mentality.. But I don't want to give anybody the opportunity to take advantage of my kindness. I only share it with my close friends.

A week of Depression

2006-07-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

Well a week ago today I was laying in a hospital bed because of a motorcycle accident. I was pulling out of a 7-11 and somebody in a white van hit me. The situation is as follows: I was preparing to make my exit onto the road, I check both ways and all seems clear. Next thing you know I feel and hear contact with another vehicle. At this point I'm not too sure what happened. I believe I was flown through the air. The next thing I remember is getting up and walking, then getting this overwhelming feeling of darkness, so I make my way to the grass and lay down. Next thing I know I wake up to somebody on a radio and at this point I'm in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and the only thing I want is for my helmet to be off, because I felt as though I'm suffocating. The gentleman assisting me was telling me not to take it off and wait for the ambulance to arrive. Me being the stubborn person that I am decided to take it off on my own. Then the ambulance arrives and they ask me what happened..... Like I have a clue what happened.. But anyway.. I tell them my story to the best I know. I feel as though I can not move but I'm so grateful that I'm alive. Right as they are getting ready to put me in the ambulance I get a text message from my friend that I'm supposed to take to the airport at 3AM.. I reply to his text and tell him that I'm not going to be able to take him because I'm on my way to the hospital from a motorcycle accident. He replies and tries to find out what is going on, but the medic takes my phone from me. At this point I'm strapped to a back board with a neck collar on.. Man is that uncomfortable. The ambulance driver is trying to find a hospital that will take me and I ask the medic if there is any way he can give me some pain medicine. So they feed me some morphine through my IV to help with the pain. Then I arrive at a hospital. I don't know what hospital, but I know I'm in the care of doctors and nurses at this point. The doctor orders a CT scan, spine x-rays, and blood to be drawn. Over the course of a unknown hours these things happen and more pain meds are pushed through my iv. OOh yeah and sometime during all of this the cop came to issue me a summons to appear in traffic court because the accident was my fault. So I'm laying on a bed in the hall way of a hospital feeling like a worthless piece of nothing.. Nobody to talk to.. Nobody there to comfort me.. Life sucks at this point.. and I'm still in the most pain I've ever been in my whole life.
Sometime in the AM the doctor says he is going to admit me overnight so that they can watch my pain and make sure I'm going to be ok to go home. So.. As soon as I get in my room I text message damn near everybody in my phone to let them know that I'm in the hospital from a motorcycle accident, then I follow up the text message with a phone call to the important people. Minus the parents because I didn't want them to get worried. As the day goes on The first person to visit me is a co-worker, then Brian shows up. He is there for a few min then heads off to find me a phone charger. Then some friends from the BBQ the night before stop by and the co-worker leaves, then Brian comes back with a phone charger. He doesn't stay too long because he has to get going. Work or something. Then Marcus Allen stops by with some goodies, and Dee stops by. If anybody else stopped by I can't remember right now. I was pretty drugged up on percocet every 4 hours all week. I got lots of reply text messages from my friends and people seem concerned about my well being.
Monday rolls around and the doctors tell me I can go home. So some people from work pick me up and take me to my pharmacy to fill my prescription for percocet. I then make an appointment to see my doctor for the next day. After all of that I go home.
A few people call.. and for the first 2 days some people stop over. 4 to be exact. This makes me think... How much are my friends really my friends? I mean if one of my friends was in an accident I'm sure I would be there to help them out.. Call me crazy.. But I dunno.. Wednesday till today I really didn't get too many phone calls or any visitors besides my parents. Why is this? Do I really not have any friends? So My parents come for the weekend and leave early Sunday morning. So after they leave I go back to sleep... Only to wake up to an interesting dream. This dream involved Brian.. So I decide to text message him. So I tell him about the dream and he proceeds to tell me how much that pisses him off, along with him saying how much the whole situation pisses him off. So in the mix of everything he sends me this email. Some how he has somebody intercept my emails that I send to people via myspace. Now tell me how FUKKED up that is.. That the craziest stalker type shyt I've ever seen. Why would somebody want to do that? But anyway. So that added to my list of things that put me in a state of depression.
So lets list them..
got in an accident
my bike is probably totaled (haven't seen it yet)
I'm ok.. But still in a lot of pain
I have only a few real friends
guys can be crazy
I have to go to court for my traffic violation
my insurance is going to go up
if my bike isn't totaled I have to find a place to fix it
I can't ride
I can't drive my car right now
I'm out of pain meds
my bike is accumulating storage fees which I might have to pay
I've been home alone most of the week drowning in my own sorrow
nobody seems to care
the people I care about don't seem to care about me
ok... I could go on and on.. But I guess it's not worth it..
tomorrow is another day.. and tomorrow will keep coming till it is eventually better..

on that note.. Some quotes to leave with
"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."

Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.

till next time bloggers

Have a blessed day.

Change......

2006-07-07T22:56:00.000-05:00

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

"Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. I've learned that life is like hour glass sand. Sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom, but all you have to do is be patient and wait for something to turn everything back around."

"I would rather do something and find out that it was the wrong thing, than never know if it was the right thing."

So bloggers... I've been lazy with posting lately. There has just been a lot of crazy things going on. One of these days I will sit down and write a good meaningful blog. Writing can be so therapeutic at times and I haven't had the chance to just sit down and type. Till then I will just keep finding quotes that help me put my mind in the right place...

Happy blogging.

Bless

Quotes, Quotes, Quotes

2006-07-05T18:25:00.000-05:00

"Tomorrow isn't a promise, it's a chance."
-Rachel Joy Scott

"Hard times are simply that---TIME---time passes and things do get better. So, just stick through it and one day you will look back on it and think 'Man, that was nothing.'"
-unknown

"Time is a wheel in constant motion, so you just have to ride with it and take all the bumps and turns. Just focus on the destination and it will get you through."
-unk

"Cherish things while you still have them, not when they've gone, for one of the hardest things to deal with is regret."

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."

So just some quotes for today..and days of going through some times...

Bless

Happy 4th of July......

2006-07-04T02:37:00.000-05:00

So the 4th of July is supposed to be a celebration of our independence. Nowhere does it say it is supposed to be a day full of drama. Now you see.. My day (July 3rd) started off well. I woke up, changed the oil in my bike (with the assistance of Joey) then played some ball. Now I never said I could play ball.. So I let some little kids school me. After that I took Joey home.

During the day I'm changing oil and Brian is text messaging me.. And I can sense in his messages some sense of drama.. Insecurity.. And everything else... He wanted to know if I was going to hang out with him tonight.. I couldn't tell him a time or place because I had no clue what time I would get finished.. Now with him.... I remember many of days sitting around waiting for him to get out of work.. Only for him to call me and tell me he can't make it.. Now I'm the nice person that I am.. And I just kind of let it roll off my back.

Then he starts coming at me with some stuff about Joey.. Now Joey and I are only friends.. As far as I know.. I love Joey to death.. He is the greatest friend ever.. But it is what it is.. We are friends. Hell I don't even know if he has a girlfriend somewhere in the world, and I really don't care... If he does... Cool... If he doesn't... Then that's cool too... I just won't to ever lose that bond we have...I mean we have a lot in common. Like I said before.. I could be naive.. But hey.. I don't know tell I'm told or there is some type of discussion about it.. Why would Brian come at me with stuff like that. .

Well I pick up Joey.. Tell him about the whole situation.. And then he seems a little thrown off by the whole situation.. So Brain is sending the text messages.. And I let Joey read them.. Because at this point I need some guidance from someone.. I can't figure out everything on my own.. I need help figuring out if I'm write or wrong for feeling the way I feel. So Joey sends Brian messages from my phone confirming what I said earlier in regards to Brian having a reason to feel worried about who I like.

So I get home only to find out that Brian went to the extreme and deleted me from his myspace and pretty much told me n the messages that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.. No is it that easy to just give up a friend?

In my time in the Marine Corps I have found that friends come and friends go.. I have yet to find a real TRUE friend in my life.. Someone that is there for me no matter how many miles are between us...Most people seem to be the coward and run away from things when the start to get hard.

THINGS IN LIFE DO NOT COME FREE>...

reality check people... Just put a little work and effort into what you want and things will be all good.

well bloggers I really want to continue writing.. But I'm exhausted.. too much drama today.. I need to go to sleep and forget about it all because it's just pissing me off..

I will for sure type more as soon as things calm down a bit..

Have a blessed evening..

random quote.. just on my mind

2006-07-02T04:55:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know, Sometimes our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears."
Submitted by Rachel S,

Another night

2006-07-02T04:28:00.000-05:00

Well.. So tonight my girl and I went to check out this club that my boy was spinning at. .... That was an experience. ... It was a good time none the less. The music was good.. We got to experience Ethopian music... (very interesting) Ethopian guys smell bad and can't dance to music other then their kind.. (well those guys anyway) but when the Reggae started flowing.. It was on point.. :woot: :woot: Then my girl started talkin to these boys which we ended up dropping off so they didn't have to pay for a cab... Well these boys got on my nerves something fierce... Ethopian girls are very beautiful... But once again they can't dance to music other then their own.. I'm shocked that the couldn't even dance to reggae..

well bloggers.. I have to get away from this computer and think about things.. till next time..

maybe I will have figured something out..

have a blessed evening..

I've been slacking......

2006-06-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

So life has been extra busy lately. I haven't had any time to sit down and write. Writing is very therapeutic for me, so I don't know why I haven't made time.

I'm in the middle of softball season, which is going well. My city team just won our first game 2 Tuesday's ago, and my other team starts playing tomorrow.

I bought a basketball so I can get ready for basketball season when it comes. I'm making some of my friends that claim to be good teach me. I played in School, but that was a long time ago.

The rain has been driving me crazy because I can't take my bike out. It's just been sitting there begging to be taken out for a spin.

I've been hanging out with Joey a lot lately. We still always continue to have great conversation about Motorcycles and Reggae music. What more can I ask for in a friend. He's even let me try to spin some music on his mixer.. That was a disaster, but we won't talk about that. I think I enjoy hanging out with him so much because there is always something to talk about, and we always have a good time.... And a great thing about this whole situation is that we are strictly friends. Nothing more, nothing less... I have the tendency to be a bit naive sometimes, but I think I'm not being that way now. I very much enjoy being in the company of people like that.

As far as a boy situation.. Well I guess it would be hard for me to have a boyfriend because I have so many guy friends. I think it would be nice to be able to say.. This is my man... But am I ready for all of that? I don't want to give up all of my guyfriends. Friends are friends no matter what the gender. Yes most guys do have ulterior motives, but you are in control of your own destiny. That is where trust comes into play. I would not be able to have a relationship with someone that could not trust me.

Well now it's time to go home, so till next time bloggers......

Have a Blessed Day.

I'm Sorry World...........

2006-06-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

In one of my previous posts I mentioned Ben Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident. Well, he decided to make a public apology

I is too bad that it takes such a serious accident to make someone take the proper precautions. It is just common sense to always wear a helmet when you are on a motorcycle. Come on.. there is nothing protecting you. When anybody gets their "M" class (aka motorcycle license) they have to take a test.. and somewhere in that test there are questions about proper gear. Not only should Roethlisberger wear a helmet, but he better throw in a leather jacket, some durable pants (preferably leather), gloves, and a pair of boots. I mean he makes enough money to have the "hottest" gear on the market. In the motorcycle community not wearing gear doesn't make you look cool. People look at you and say.. Dang that person is stupid, but once they get some road rash I bet you'll see them with gear on.

I really hope that other people learn from his mistake......

till next time..

Happy Blogging

Random Quote

2006-06-16T11:29:00.000-05:00

“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.”

Newt Gingrich

Coffee... AAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-06-15T23:59:00.000-05:00

Maybe I shouldn't have a Starbucks Frapuccino with an added shot of espresso at 9PM.. I'm still wired.. and have to get up for work at 5AM.. grrrrrrr

My Good News for the Day....... I'm drinking more coffee

2006-06-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

Who would have ever thought that coffee could be good for you?

One more reason to enjoy my drinks tonight, and drink my daily cup of coffee in the morning.

Not only does it wake me up... but it can help my liver? How odd is that?

Be Careful What You Wish For

2006-06-14T12:29:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wished for something and then wished you never wished for it after you receive it?

What do you do then? You can't un-wish for it.

Does it Make Me a Bad Friend.............?

2006-06-14T06:21:00.000-05:00

This week has been crazy and it's only Wednesday. Work, work, work... Practice, practice, Practice. Looking forward to the weekend, even though that is going to be crazy. My parents are getting ready to go to Florida to visit by bother, so I have to some how make time in my busy schedule to go to PA and get the cat. I was invited to go camping, which would be cool to get away, but too much going on. Plus I would want to go camping with a special someone.. and well.. that will not happen.

Yesterday we had a softball game.. and well... we played very well.. But still lost by 1 point. We needed one more run to tie it up, but the next batter was supposed to be a female that didn't show up, so we had to take an out. I probably could have ran into home, but the 3rd base coach said no.. no.. no.. So I didn't go. OOh well there is always next week. After the game we chilled for a long time.. and got some Jamaican food. I made plans to hang out with ol' boy, but I kind of stood him up. I feel very bad for that, but things come up sometimes. Does it make me a bad friend? I hope not, because I mean it's not like anybody has ever done that to me before.. a million times.....(sarcasm) I missed the phone call because I was on the bike.. then I got the text message way after It came to my phone... I guess that would be why definite plans would be nice.. Because if you wait around for the plans to be made something may come up... ooh well.. just a thought. I'm sure there will be other times. I believe the same thing kind of happened to me Monday.. so I'm not stressing.

----------
random thoughts
----------

In regards to my last random thought:
The curse of the guilty conscience?......... or is it?
A few people asked if the random thought was because of them.. Guilty?... or not guilty? I not only put it in the blog, but I voiced it to many people, in such a way that I could judge their reaction. I like to see myself as being a good judge of deception due to the nature of the people I am around all of the time.. I mean look at how the government operates.. Most of my friends fill the billet possible deceiver billet.. I guess you have to figure out if you are being deceptive.. Perception is reality.... Because what people believe to be true.. is 99% of the time the truth..
Do people perceive me as being deceptive?... I'd like to think not, but only they can be the judge of that. I like to be honest and straight forward, because I don't want there to be that gray area. I want people to be able to trust that i'm not doing things because I think it will make them happy (work)... or living a double life and just not telling them about it(friends).... I keep all things in the open... good? or bad?.. I think its good.. There is no telling the co-worker one thing and telling the boss the complete opposite. There is no telling my friends that I'm going to be out of town this weekend, when I'm actually in town but have plans with someone else that I don't want them to know about.. I'm only comparing the friends being deceptive to my guy friends... Maybe because I have so many of them.. Maybe I feel that guys are deceptive because they always try to hide things about other girls.. Where I'm just like.. fuck it.. the more they know about them.. the more they trust me and me hanging out with them.. Because if ever I am in that situation where I would be in a relationship with one of them I want them to trust that my other guy friends are just my friends....
__
The first thing I heard Monday morning when coming into work was.. Did you hear about what happened to the Steelers Quarterback? At first I'm thinking ooh maybe something happened and since I'm from PA they feel as though they have to tell me. Well he was in a bad motorcycle accident... and since I ride motorcycles they wanted to make sure I know what happened.
In this situation.. I feel bad because it happened, but I don't feel bad for what happened to him. He made the choice to not put on protective gear. If he had been wearing a helmet i'm sure he wouldn't have had half as many injuries. I do not fell much compassion for people that choose to be stupid. If you are going to assume the risk of riding a motorcycle the least you can do is protect yourself by any means possible.

Why do those states allow people to not wear a helmet?
What if you were that person that hit somebody on a motorcycle because they darted in your lane too quick for you to react and get out of the way, and they were not wearing a helmet therefore becoming killed or injured badly? A fall at a low rate of speed could very well kill you or cause major damage much easier without a helmet, then it would with a helmet. Think about it......

well it's time for me to get to work.

Have a Blessed Day....

Freedom of the Open Road

2006-06-12T06:33:00.000-05:00

Since I last posted things have been well. I got to zoom down the open roads, enjoy some nice beverages and conversation, and get a little sleep. What more can a girl ask for. I should have spent my Sunday morning doing chores around the house, but something about taking my bike out seems more appealing. Of course If I would have got out of bed before 1:30 in the afternoon I would have been able to do some chores also. Sleep was sounding all too nice to pass it up.

Saturday I went for a nice long ride around Great Falls with a riding buddy of mine. The most interesting thing about this guy is his introvertedness. He is always game to go riding, but in a period of like 5 hours he hardly talks at all. He is a good listener, I guess, but don't expect feedback. He is cool and I enjoy riding with him. We started our journey in Herndon then ventured to Great Falls area, tried to carve out some canyons but there have to be slow cars all over the place. Then we ventured down some other roads we didn't know that ended up being very exhilarating. I love leaning my bike through those S-curves. After we decide to head back I tell my friend I'm breaking off early and heading into DC. I was hungry so I decided I wanted something un-American to eat. What a better place to go then Adams Morgan on a Saturday Evening, early. I called up my homeboy that lives right down the road and tell him I'm in the area. He was like cool stop by when you get done eating. So I eat some Curry Chicken, and smoke some Mango Shisha at Prince Cafe while texting some of my friends to find out what is good for the evening. When I get finished I call my friend and tell him I'm on the way. He gives me directions and I get on the bike and am off. So I get to his block, keep in mind that I have no clue what house is his. I always just meet him outside. I get out my PEBLE (phone) to call him so I can tell him I'm there and the screen goes black. My battery is dead. So I sit around and wait for about 5 to 10 min so by some chance he decides to check outside and see if I got there. No such luck, so I decide to go home and charge up the battery. Once I get home I call him and he was like.. Dang I thought something happened to you, because I know it doesn't take 30 min to get here from Adams Morgan. I explained what happened and begin getting ready. Then I call him and tell him that I'm on my way to pick him up. While enroute my girl calls me and asks for directions to Adams Morgan, what a coincidence we are going there too. I tell her and she decides to meet me and my friend. So we get there, hang out at Felix for a little and make fun of the non-dancing, non-dressing kids have a few drinks then head over to Bukom's. Bukom's is cool because they have a live reggae band, and since I love reggae... I loved the place. Me, my girl, her girl, her dude, and my friend all chill out there drink some red stripe and have a good time. After that we head out. The whole time I'm out in Adams Morgan and I think about what ol' boy always tells me.. On a Friday or Saturday night in Adams Morgan you are going to see at least 3 drunk girls throwing up in the gutter somewhere, police arresting people that got into fights, ambulance taking people away, and some guy pissing in the corner. Well Saturday night was no different. My friend and I laughed about it and I took my friend to his block to drop him off. I drop him off and head home. When I get home I pass out and there is no sight of me till the next day around 1:30.

Sunday I wake up to some text messages. Becky wants me to go ride with them. So I'm like cool let's go. I meet up with them after washing my dishes and we head out west. I had this crazy idea to go out to Harpers Ferry. The roads are great and the area is nice. So we meet up with this guy that knows the way and head out there. Once we get there we decide to eat because we are all starving. So we go to this little pub. This place had ok food, but it was a little expensive for the quality of food and service. I guess since it is in the middle of nowhere they have to pay the bills some way. After we eat we head back to DC Metro area. I tell my friend that I'm going to stop by his place, so I get there like 2 hours later. We chill outside and talk about random things. Then we see these girls that are like 8-12 years old walking down the street. What kind of parents allow their young children to walk down the street at 11 PM? Obviously they don't care about their children that much. We talked about it a little and then decided we were going to ride to the store to get something to eat. He was like, let's take the bike.. I was like... ummmmm I never had a guy on the back of my bike. So I brave it out and we go to the store. Well the store is closed. So what are we going to do now? Well he was like.. let's ride out to Rock Creek Park. I never been there so I was like cool. Now I was taking a ride outside of the city 2-up I was excited and nervous at the same time. The road was nice, dark, and full of twisties. I had a great time, but I was driving a little slow because having a guy on twisties is a challenging thing. I think I did a great job and so does he. So I drop him off and head over to ol' boy's house. We ended up going to the store to get some drinks, and cheese and crackers. It was all good. Then it was time to go to sleep. I set my alarm because I really couldn't afford to wake up late today. 5AM rolls around and I get outside only to see that it is raining and I have to drive home in the rain. No big deal I guess, just have to be more careful. I survived but was freezing by the time I got home.

615.. Off to work I go. Work seemed to never stop today. I really miss my little Lance Coolie being around. He helps me out a lot when it comes to getting jobs done. But I survived and still had time to make it to the gym. Time to go home and relax...

---------------
random thought
---------------

The worst thing a person can do to is to run across something that maybe they should not have ran across, then continue to look into it. Sometimes it's best to just to walk away and forget you ever saw it. I found myself in that situation today.. And it kind of crushed me for a little. When you tell yourself.. Things are cool.. Things are cool.. And then you find out that maybe they aren't what they seem. There is a lot of deception that goes on in society. People acting one way but are really another, people say things but really mean something else, they tell you what they think you want to hear to make you feel better, or they show you the bad but don't show you the good. Life is a battle of the minds and trying to figure out who's is stronger. The situation finds me very off guard... Confused on what to do... I guess I will have the stronger mind and take it with a grain of salt.. And see what the future will become of it.

till next time blog people

Have a Blessed Day

Successful evening...........

2006-06-10T09:22:00.000-05:00

Well last night was the night.. I was nervous and excited. Ol' boy and I finally were going to get together and talk about things. It ended up being a good night with good conversation and intoxication.

I started of my night by finishing my bottle of White Zinfandel, then filling up the "Pimp Chalice" with some Amaretto and Coke and heading out to DC to meet up with ol' boy. Our plan is to hit up our regular spot, Gazuza, and have some Sushi, shisha, for me Mojitos, and for him Bombay and Tonic. We are seated outside on the patio. That was my first time out there, and I really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful night to be outside. We have fun playing with our food... Having our drinks and once the shisha I finished we decide to go to the next spot.

As we are walking down the street we decide to check out Five. Ol' boy felt like dancing.. I think it was the music at Gazuza that did it. So we walk in and he the music, then walk out. Not really what we were looking for. So we continue down the street and decide to check out Ozio. A martini sounded nice. So we go there and have a few drinks.. We finished off with a Surfer on Acid.. Man that drink will make you forget where you are.. Now it's off to ESL, another regular spot. We can't go to Dupont without stopping at ESL and Gazuza.. It just always happens.

While at ESL we hang out.. Have drinks and here comes the conversation.. I think we have both had enough to drink... So I believe that I spring out the conversation. Always good to wait till the end of the night to have those conversations just in case if they go bad. If they go bad then both parties go home and call it a night. If they go good.. You had a good night and finished it off with a good conversation. Now I feel as though we had a good conversation. My night ended well. I remember most of the conversation.. Now the question is does he? I'm still a little unsettled because there are still a lot of things up in the air.. But I'm content with leaving things how they are and whatever happens, happens. Like I said before.. I learned from my mistakes so a part of "our destiny" ... Whatever that may be... Will be determined by how we learn from the past. So the question is... Are we on friend status? Or Are we on more then friend status? I guess it doesn't matter because we are friends.

After the conversation we decide to head home. I take him to his house and he gets his car and heads to my place. After he gets here we talk a bit... I think.. This is where my memory starts to go away.. I was pretty faded by this point... Then we go to sleep. I was so tired.. Or drunk that I just passed out with my skirt and shirt that I wore to the club.. I woke up at 730 thinking that I was late for work.. And realized that it was a Saturday and I didn't have to work.. Then went back to sleep. I should have stayed up so I would make it to softball practice, but I fell asleep and woke up late for softball practice. No big deal, but I really wanted to go. Around 10 ol' boy wakes up and heads out because he has to go to work.

Now I think I'm going to take a shower and go to Pennsylvania to pick up kitty from my Mom's place. I miss him.

Till next time.. Happy Blogging...

Have a Blessed Day

Maybe Sleep isn't so overrated......

2006-06-09T06:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was so exhausted at work. I guess that less then 6 hours of sleep in 4 days catches up to you. I was watching the clock because I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

Work was... Well work.... The government confuses the heck out of me sometimes. I'm in the process of ordering supplies, and for the past however many years we have always orders supplies from a specific vendor. Well now they get this new system called EMALL, where we have to research the supplies on the computer and order them through specific vendors. It is so difficult to find anything, and the prices are way different then going through our normal vendors. For example... I order specific Xerox paper for our printers, and if I go through Xerox 30 boxes of paper costs $1977, but if we go through the EMALL vendors it is going to cost $4197 for the exact same paper. This is the government wasting our precious tax dollars. They will not authorize us to purchase these supplies any other way. That price is more then double what I pay. It's so frustrating sometimes. I think the government needs to figure something out. They took a lot of money out of our budget and then tell us we have to order supplies from a system that costs double the price of what we would pay.

I was so grateful when the end of the day came. On Thursday nights I always go out to Herndon to the DCSportBikes.net meet-up. Every Thursday sportbike riders in the NOVA, DC, and MD area get together to talk about motorcycles and different rides that are coming up. But, this Thursday I didn't make it. I really wanted to go, but I decided that it was a good time for me to install my flush mount turn signals. I was so proud of myself because I installed them with no help. Then when I got finished with that I was sitting at my computer checking emails and just passed out with the computer on my lap. About 30 min later I woke up and put the computer down and got comfy watching TV. I think that lasted for about 5 min before I was out cold. I guess that one good night of sleep is all the body needs. I feel refreshed today, and am looking forward to a night out tonight. I'm supposed to have plans with ol' boy. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully it will go well..

till next time....

have a blessed day.

Sleep...... What's Sleep?

2006-06-08T06:32:00.000-05:00

I <3 Wednesday. It's the half way point to the weekend, Rockas International plays at at ESL, and I have a little time to ride if the weather is nice. What more can a girl ask for?

My day at work consisted of attempting to fill out some forms. The key word being attempt. Department of Defense forms can be so complicated sometimes. Towards the end of the day the emails started rolling in from ol' boy. We had good conversation, so good that I stayed at work an extra hour just to continue the conversation. Then we both came to conclusion that it will be better if we have a real life, face to face discussion. I feel as though they are always most productive. People can type one thing and the recieving end could interperet it the entire wrong way. Where as in person, you can see their facial expressions, hear the tonal changes in their voice, and get a feel of how they are feeling. It looks as though this meeting may happen Friday. I'm excited and nervous all in the same. Will I say something wrong? Will things be like nothing ever happened? Will it be like the first time meeting? I guess only time can tell.

I realized last night that I have been a really bad friend for the last few months. I got a call a few days ago from a good friend of mine and she was like.... Hey it's Jacky's Birthday on Wednesday we are all getting together at Bennigans. I have been neglecting these two lovely ladies for the past few months, so I felt really bad but I couldn't pass up the offer. I didn't see Jacky in forever.. What a better way to re-ignite an old friendship then to show up at a birthday gathering. I called her and told her that I'm going to crash her get together and she was like... I can't wait to see you, it's been forever. So after I get back from picking up my motorcycle tags in Woodbridge, I make arrangements for the evening and get ready to go to Jacky's Birthday gathering.

My plan was to go to Bennigans at 8, but I got busy making evening plans so I left my house an hour later then I expected. Once I got there it was like a reunion. I was so excited to be with Jacky celebrating her 21st Birthday. I was also shocked that she wasn't drunk yet. About an hour after I got there Quan showed up. We talked about old times and I promissed to be a better friend and go out with them more often. We always had such a good time going out, but we could only go to some places because she was not 21 yet. Now I can take her to my spots.

Before I went to Bennigans I made my plans for the late evening. I spoke with my friend from Monday Night and told him about Rockas International at ESL. My friend was like... hmmmm I think I might be interested. I told him that it's a chill atmosphere and just an overall good experience. He said that he should really be working on his paper for college. So him being the rational one, said that he could work on his paper before going and then a little after he gets home. I told him that I should be in DC at around 1030 - 1100, and I offered a ride. I was like hopefully I don't get lost tring to find the place. Well I maybe because it's Wednesday (the best night of the week) or just luck, but I find his neighborhood without getting lost one time. I'm so shocked. I never go to new places in DC without being lost. I'm waiting in the car for him to come to my car, I have no clue which direction he is coming from. Then he appears out of nowhere and we're off.

We arrive at ESL and it's not crowded at all. There were hardly any people there. My first thoughts were, No problem getting drinks tonight. (not like ol' boy and I ever had problems in the first place, I guess it pays to know the entire staff) Then I glanced outside, and yep... That's where all the people were. This was my first time seeing Rockas International perform on the Patio. My friend and I venture to the bar and he gets a Red Stripe and I get my new usual (Bombay and Sprite). I was definitely feeling the whole vibe. I think that the outdoor setting just adds to the vibe. I enjoy them playing inside, but not as much as outside. I told my friend that it reminded me of a roof party in NYC at someone's house. My friend really enjoyed the vibe and said that he thinks he found his Wednesday spot. The night continues with random conversation, drinks, and people watching. ESL has such a diverse crowd, so it makes for good people watching. When the band takes a break I decide to give the tour.

Here I go giving a tour like I am the duty expert. I think I took lessons from the best. I get my proper ESL etiquette trianing from ol' boy, he is the duty expert. I attempt to show him all of the rooms, but they are all closed except for the patio, the dancing room, and the sofa room on the first floor. I point out where the other rooms are and give a brief explination of the vibe for that particular room (all based on my opinion of course). Then I show him where the bathrooms are and we make our way back to the patio. I almost felt like I was showing someboy my house. It's great. That place is so much like home.

The performance got more of a roots and culture vibe and we found some seats, so it couldn't have been better. Then they played their last song and we finished our drinks and headed out. We walk to my car and start driving back to Adams Morgan area to drop off my friend. I dropped him off, he gave my hasty directions, and I was off. He told me to call him when I get to a point where I know I won't get lost, so I get on 14th St past the circle and call him to inform him I am at a known location. Then I get home and chill out for a little then it's off to bed for me. I think I went to sleep around 4. I set 3 different alarms so that I would be sure not to wake up late.

I'm a little tired today, I'm almost considering sleeping when I get home instead of going out for a ride to herndon tonight. But who needs sleep? I think I got a collective 5 hours of sleep all week.

Well now I shall get to work....

Have a Blessed Day.

Me.. Lost Lost in DC...... Always

2006-06-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

Tuesday...

After I posted my blog yesterday I decided to get one the phone/computer and see what was good for the night's events. I really didn't feel like sitting at home.. Heck I just got my hair and nails done.. It was time to go out and stir up the city. The first person on the agenda was my best guy friend.. The guy that I have known since before I got here.. He is the one that showed me my first bunch of nights out in DC. I figured why not see what he is getting into.

We talked and he was at home drinking so I tried to see if he seemed enthusiastic about going out.. While we are talking I get a message on myspace from this kid that lives in DC. He was like yeah I went to this 2 day reggae Fest in New York, Morgan Heritage was there (he knows I love Morgan Heritage from my myspace page) I was like.. I so hate you because a bunch of my favorite artists were there

Wednesday......
Wow yesterday was crazy with work, meetings, and games... Now I have to remember where I left off..

He then proceeded to tell me about Miami Monday's at Felix in Adams Morgan. I have never been out to Adams Morgan other then just to visit my friend that lives out there. I haven't been to any of the bars or clubs out there... So I decide it would be cool to check it out. Heck I wanted to get out of the house anyway. So I call him up and am like ok well I'm going to check it out. As I'm driving I rely on a map from Google Maps... Because I wanted to find the quickest way to get there.. Well let me tell you how much of a disaster that was. I ended up getting lost in DC once again. I swear every time I go out by myself and I'm trying to find a new place I get lost. I was going around and around in circles trying to get on the roads I needed to be on.. Then I called up the kid and was like I'm lost tell me how to get there. He then gave me directions.

So I arrive at the place and have a seat at the bar... I'm feeling like a lush by now.. Because I'm sitting all alone at the bar drinking Bombay and Sprite. I think that's my new favorite drink for a little. Various people come and try to talk to me, but I have no interest in talking to them. So I continue to sit there and reply to text messages from ol' boy. The conversation seems to be going well despite the fact that my phone had bad reception, and then my battery on my phone dies. After I'm half way through my Bombay and Sprite the kid that told me about the spot shows up. I was like hey I thought they were going to be playing Reggae... He said they will just wait. So we sit there and talk about motorcycles and reggae music. It was such great conversation. Then they start playing the reggae music. It was the highlight of my evening. He ventures off to talk to some of his friends and I continue to drink my Bombay and Sprite. Next thing you know the bar tender starts pouring alcohol in 2 shot glasses and hands me one. I was like what's this.... He said just drink it.. So I drank it..... OOh My God.. What did I just drink? Eww.. This dude gave me a shot of Bombay.. Bombay is cool.. But not really good as a straight shot. But I have to give him props for giving me a shot. Then dude shows back up and I tell him about the bartender making me drink the Bombay and we laugh and share more conversation about reggae music and motorcycles.

Well it starts getting late and they make last call and start kicking people out so I told dude that I could drop him off so he didn't have to walk home and he was like nah that's cool... And I said .. I insist. So I drop him off and he tries to tell me the most direct way to get home... Well Somehow I managed to Mess that up and turn down a bunch of wrong roads and get way lost. So, I call him up and am like.. yo... I'm lost again. He laughs and guides me to roads I know. By the time I get home it's like 4:00 and I have to get up for work at 6:00. So I pass out and wake up for work.

Off to work I go.. Work ended up being very busy. The day went by very fast because I was so busy. In the early morning I have text message conversation with ol' boy and I'm shocked because he is up that early.. But it ends up ending on a good note. Lunch time comes around so it's time for the Volleyball game.. We were playing our first game in the losers bracket... Man we were kicking butt the first game.. We beat them by a few points.. Then I don't know what happened, but I think it was a lack of communication and a mix of stress from the pressure, but we end up losing the 2nd game by a point. It's cool because we have another game because it's the best of 3. This game ends up being neck and neck. The pressure is on.. And the other teams are all in there talking trash. Now we have a few over competitive people on the team.. And I think they messed it up for everybody.. The go over stressed and caused people to just make stupid mistakes because they didn't want to mess anything up. We ended up losing by 2 points. No big deal.. Because it was just all in good fun. We played well and had a good time for the season.

Then it was back to work. I end up sitting in meetings all afternoon discussing our budget and things like that. Now seeing that I only had like 2 hours of sleep I started getting very sleepy during these meetings.. But I managed to make it. 4:45 rolls around and I'm like man I really need to get out of here because I have a softball game to get ready for. So head out and over to my girls house so we can ride to the softball game together.

Now see I never played softball in my life, I just figured it would be fun to get out there and play. Plus they really need females for the team. I started the season and couldn't catch, or throw, but was ok at hitting. I recruited my girl to play and she was like I'll teach you how to play. She has been playing since she was a kid. So she shows me how to throw the ball properly and after my third throw she was like.. Dang you made such an improvement in a short amount of time. I felt good about that. Well the first inning of our game we were all messing up and let the other team score a lot. Then we pulled our heads out of our behinds and started playing. We ended up losing by 4 but that was all due to the fact that we played like crap the first inning, and the umpire made some bad calls. After the game my girl was like, let's go to the batting cages. So we go hit a few balls around and then head home.

By now I'm pretty much exhausted with work, volleyball, and softball. I just needed time to sit down and relax. I make some dinner and then fire up the hookah. There is nothing better then sitting on the sofa smoking the hookah after dinner with some wine. I thought about finishing my blog post but was too tired to look at the computer screen and type so I just chilled. Then ol' boy starts texting me and this time we have a conversation that catches me way off guard. I don't really know how to take it. He wanted me to come out and chill, but I was too tired to go out. Eventually he tells me that he misses me.. And I tell him that I feel the same way. Now see I don't want to fuck things up.. Because if he wants to be friends and that is it.. Then I'm cool with it, but if he wants to be more then friends I'll wait till he is ready, because I'm not sure if I'm ready for the whole relationship thing. I mean I wasn't in the first place but got sucked into wanting to. Now I adapt to the situation and I do whatever feels right to me. It felt right so I allowed myself to get attached. It caused me much stress for a few days but as of right now we are back on the whole friend level.. I think.. If something more comes of it someday then it happens.. If not then it doesn't. My last major words to him for the evening were make sure you do what feels right to you. So I guess one of these days we are going to actually sit down and talk about this whole situation like two grown adults. I'm looking forward to this very much. Because I am interested to see how things play out. If nothing else.. I will be happy with being friends, but I don't want to lose a friend through the whole situation. If it's something more then that's great too.

I had a lot of time to think about things during our little break and I realized a lot of things. I learned that I can't just give up on my friends because there is a guy in the picture. I did that on my own free will, because I felt as though it would be wrong if I was hanging out with my friends, because most of them are guys. I think that if you are in a trusting relationship then it wouldn't matter if your friends are guys or girls. I also learned that giving people space, and being flexible are important. Things always come up at the last minute, so sometimes you just have to adapt and overcome. Life is a learning process, and the only way to find out is to try. Also, prayer helps. God is always there to listen. He will always guide you..

On that note I'm going to start getting my work done...

Have a blessed day.

and one more thing.. My flush mount turn signals came in so I'm going to put them on today, and I got some info from one of my prospective schools. It's going to be a good day.

A Changed Woman...... Well Kind Of.

2006-06-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

Yep... Today was Monday. Typical craziness at work. I like it because it makes the day go so fast. I got a nice 3 mile run in at lunch time. That was so what I needed. I almost forgot how great running is to relieve stress. I've had a sprained foot and wasn't supposed to start running again till the 14th of June... But I never listen to the doctor. I had to get out there and do the damn thing... I just knew it would help make me feel better about all of the things that happened recently.

Since me and ol' boy aren't talking anymore I have nobody to email all day during work. I resisted the overwhelming temptation not to email him.. But I read his old emails like a million times. So I decided that I over reacted and probably could have saved myself a little stress... I spent most of my day working for once but the rest of the time I spent reading DCSportbikes.net and looking for people with common interested on this blogger thing. I found some really interesting blogs.. I think it's going to be a new passion of mine for a little. I get bored with things rather quickly.. Hopefully this blogging will keep my attention like motorcycle riding does.

Today when I got home from work I decided that I needed something else to help me get away from the stresses of life.. So I decided to go get my hair cut, eyebrows waxed, and nails done. There is something about being pampered that is so great for the mind, body, and soul. I loved every second of it.. Now instead of having 3ft of hair I have 2ft 9in... It was just a trim. I'm getting myself ready for the next time I go out. I have to look good.... Better then before.. Because who is going to care about me better then me?

Then I get home and now I'm typing this blog and contemplating a few things.. Do I go home this weekend and pick up my kitty from my parents house, or do I stay in town and celebrate my friend's birthday with her.... I guess I have all week to figure it out... Do I want to go out and do something tonight?.... Well I want to, but the thing is finding one of my friends that wants to go out.... Ol' boy was Mr. Reliable when it came out to week night drinking escapades. Man I really need to find a new drinking buddy. I need someone to take to Gazuza with me so we can drink Mojitos and smoke Sheesha. I can't very well do that alone... Last time I was alone in that place this guy just wanted to take me home to make out with me... eww... Where did he get such a crazy idea..

I spent a good amount of my day today looking at colleges... yep that's right.. It's time for me to get the ball rolling on this whole college thing.... I have 3 areas of study that I am interested in, but can't seem to choose one. It's either going to be Advertising, Graphic Design, or Photography. I'm leaning more away from getting the degree in Photography and maybe just end up taking some classes, because something about making a hobby a job.. Might not be good. So it's kind of narrowed to Advertising and Graphic Design.. Ooh the choices. I have a few good options around here.. But the problem is getting time to take the classes because of my military job. I'm looking into Academy of Art University (online), George Mason University, Art Institute of Washington DC, or Corcoran College of Art and Design. OOh the choices...

Well I'm going to figure out what I'm doing tonight and get myself ready for tomorrow.. It's a big day.. We have a playoff game in Volleyball and then in the evening I have a softball game..

Have a blessed day

Girl Down

2006-06-05T01:30:00.000-05:00

The Sizzla concert was just crazy last night. I had such a great time. I always enjoy reggae performances. I didn't get to the club till around 1:30 AM.... and I had to wait like 30 min to get a drink.. Which was good timing because the performances started right when I was getting my drinks. I had to order 2 drinks at once because I didn't want to wait in that long line. My friends Togai, and Shaka were there. I didn't see them that much during the night, but that's just me in the club. Everybody in the club was having a great time. The thing I love about Reggae concerts is the vibe. Nobody is out to fight with anybody or cause trouble. People are just there to chill and enjoy the music. It makes for such a great night. I got home from the club and the sun was coming up.. and I knew I had to get up for a ride at 9.

Off to sleep I go so I can be well rested for my day of riding. Something about me on my motorcycle. It takes the stress away, and clears my mind. I love it. I don't know what I'm going to do in the winter when I can't ride.

9AM comes bright and early. I take a shower, get dressed and put on all of my protective gear (helmet, jacket, boots, and gloves) and begin my journey out Ashburn to meet my crew for today's ride. I had no clue where I was going..... Therefore I got lost. Go figure. I get lost all of the time. I showed up at the spot 10 min late.. Not too bad... They are still getting the groups set up. Soon after I get there we start riding.

This ride was a noob ride.. So I wasn't expecting it to be fast.... But I wasn't expecting it to be so freaking slow either. We were crawling.. We got to Mitchell around 1. A few of us expressed our request to pick up the pace a little. So the lead guy pickes it up a little. I was enjoying the pace.. I got to lean into some turns... and focus all of my attention to riding and nothing else. I love it.. I like not worrying about anything else. Next thing you know I look in my rear view mirror after a set of s-curves and notice that the people behind me were no longer there. I signal to the guys ahead to slow down and wait. The only thing I could think was.... ooh my god that bus hit somebody..... So we turned around and went to look for them... well the bus didn't hit anybody but it did scare someone and cause her not to take the turn properly. She rode right off the rode and almost hit a brick wall. Thank god that didn't happen. She got up and walked away but her poor little 2005 SV650S was not as fortunate. We moved her bike to a safe place and put her on someone's bike and started to head back.

We get to our branch off point and all say farewell and I head off on 66. Since it was a beautiful day I decide that I'm going to fly home so that maybe I can meet up with some other riders and get some more ride time in for the day. Then I remember that I told ol' boy that he could drop my things off today. ooh how was dreading this.

So I decide to stay around the house and clean up a little. Much needed by the way. I get a little cleaning done.. He texts me and says I'm on the way. So I slowly begin to prepare myself. I was hoping for at least a little communication. Well he comes and gives me my things and then says bye.. That's it.. No communication at all. I kind of look at this as being cowardly... Beause I know that it's hard to tell someone that you care about that you can't care about them anymore.. It's a fucked up thing to have to tell yourself. So I proceed to be a big freaking baby and ball my eyes out for a good 30 min to an hour.. What's wrong with me.. I don't cry.. Seriously... For some reason this guy got me all twisted. So I decide to text him and express my feelings and we share text messages and things get worse for me.

So I decide to start calling old friends that I haven't talked to in months to get some comfort from them. Well I talk to a few people and they kind of make me feel a little better. But I'm still eating up inside. I can't figure out why we could never sit down and have a real conversation about this... Everything has to be via text message or email. It's the easy way out.. I think it's the cowardly way out. I believe in facing my fears.. But for some reason this just can't happen. I could have had him drop the stuff off when I was not home.. But I had to face my fear of seeing him again. I was wishing that it would give me some type of closure.. But it really didn't beause there was no communication at all.

I just keep hearing...I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to do this to you..

well you know what... I'm sorry too.. I didn't mean to throw myself into hell and now I'm having a hard time getting out. The devil got me.. But I'm not going to let it get the best of me.. I will eventually get over this.. I just don't know when. Maybe once all of the tears dry up. I haven't cried in years... So maybe they just need to get out..

It's not good to hold things in.. Because then I would end up with problems like my ex-huband had.... and lord knows I don't want them.

Why is it that when you think you found the best thing for you.. It ends up just hurting you? I thought I found a guy that cared about me.. He treated me better then any man ever treated me.. I didn't have to worry about being told what I could and could not wear... I didn't have to worry about coming home and getting beat up for no reason at all... I thought I had someone that can take care of himself and didn't need me to do everything for him. It was too out of the norm for me.. I guess I'm destined to be with someone that needs me to do everything for them and mistreats me.

I wasn't even looking for a relationship in the first place.. eehhhhhh it makes me so mad.. I was forced to want to be in a relationship type situation only to ruin a great friendship. Life is not fair..

Well I guess I'm going to go pray because God will guide me through any situation.... How do you think I spent 10 months in Iraq and maintained my sanity..... ?

Till next time

Have a blessed evening......

A great night to bounce back from the guy drama..

2006-06-03T19:45:00.000-05:00

So after all of the stress and boy drama of yesterday I decide to go out with some of my guy friends.. What a better way to get over a guy then to go out with the guys... Let me tell you.. what a crazy night that was.....

I called my boy up and was like.. yo buddy... I'm back in town.

I proceeded to vent to him about my totally shitty day and how guys suck.. and he listened and give some advice and told me that it's normal that happens when you break up with your boyfriend.. and I was like HE WASN'T MY BOYFRIEND.. he was just a really good friend.. he said stop dwelling on that and meet me at my place and you can roll with me and the guys to the club.. I was stoked.. and knew it would be a fun night.

We go to the club.. and just walk right in.. no line or anything because my boy is the dj.... so we all start drinking.. and dancing.. (well everybody but the dj) then this girl comes in the dj booth and tells my friend that I should go out and dance with her.. so we went out and danced our asses off. Let me tell you.. guys in DC are so grabby... they try to dance with anybody and they don't ever quit.. It's kind of an ego boost till you realize how desperate they really are. They will tell a girl anything to try to get her to go home with them. They are so stupid.. but me and ol' girl weren't letting any of the nasty guys get in the middle of our little dance circle...

So the night comes to an end in the club we gather my boy's djing stuff and head out. The whole ride home the guys discussed cars and who's car is faster.. kind of reminded me of chilling with my high school sweetheart and his friends.. because that is what they talk about all of the time. So they get this crazy idea to prove who's car was faster..

We get to my boys house and we get in 3 different cars and off we go.. red light to red light... seeing who goes faster.. we ended up being in 2nd place every time.. I told him that it was going to be that way.. but it was still a lot of fun.. and very dangerous i'm sure.. I was like ooh... you all can't touch my bike with your little sports cars.. and they agreed...

So me and my infinite drunkenness is too drunk to drive home so my boy says.. I have a futon that you can sleep on and here are some shorts and a shirt to wear.. so I was like cool.. I have to get up in 2 hours for softball practice.. Well I guess I never heard my alarm because I woke up and it was like 4 PM.. I missed practice by like 5 hours.. oops my bad.. and man did I have a hangover.. So I just laid around and watched him play call of duty on the computer... it was great and very relaxing.. Then we decide to order some pizza and watch movies..

It was like the best day after a day filled heartache.. My guy friends made me feel like a normal person again and helped me realize that it's better for me to not have to worry about that drama.. so now i'm just waiting to get my house key and tee shirt back from drama dude... that was supposed to happen today.. but still hasn't....

Well i'm getting ready to go see Sizzla..

have a Blessed Day....

The Beginning of "A Day in the Life of Me"

2006-06-02T18:31:00.000-05:00

I decided to start this whole blog thing. I figured it would be great for me to just put my thoughts out there to share with other people. I'm looking at it as a great way to express my thoughts however crazy or not so crazy they may be. I find that I am a very random person so you will find thoughts that are just all over the place.

So this post has been created due to the major change in the course of today's events. Today went from being a happy day thinking about someone that I felt was special to me, to having my hopes and dreams smashed through the floor. I have learned once again that men are nothing but trouble, and their whole purpose in life is to hurt women.

------------------
So the story goes as this....

I met this guy via one of those stupid internet sites... he seems interesting, so I attempt to contact him. We exchange some information and then case closed.. So I am thinking to myself.. man this guy didn't give me a chance.. ooh a chase. I'm always down for a good chase.. because things in life that are easy are never worth it. So proceed to beg and plead for him to continue contacting me.

As time goes on he decides to keep sharing information. We then decide to exchange numbers and see if we can meet up. So I one night I get ready after a long day of work and we meet up at the wonderful Dupont Circle. Things seemed to be going well. I was excited he was cute, fun, and could almost drink as much as me. Despite the fact that were in a place that was totally different then what I was used to I had a great time. So since we hit it off so well we decided to stay in touch.

Well as the months go on.... things seem to be going well, no problems of any type (very common for when people first meet eachother) Many times of waking up in the morning and pretty much letting myself out of his house so I can get to work, and me waking up in the morning at my house and telling him to make sure the door is locked before he goes.. typical relationship type things.. even though there was no talk ever of any such thing.

One day we decide that it will be fun to go on a little trip together. We plan this trip like a month in advance. I'm stoked.. he seems stoked... things couldn't be better. Then a few weeks after we plan the trip things get a little shaky for a little. We went out drinking one night.. I got really fucked up and woke up late for work and he thought I was mad at him... then work got crazy for him and we had a little disagreement.. but things seemed to work themselves out.

The time is drawing near for our little trip. I'm so excited because I finally get away from DC for a little and I get to see my brother, and spend a few days with the person I care about the most. The trip starts of well. We are having fun, getting drunk, doing things that people do on vacation. Then one day work just decided to show it's ugly face. Now I understand about work, because of my job. I understand that stuff comes up, and it's out of control sometimes. I'm accepting of it, it bothers me a little but hey, he is a busy man. The next day comes along and I spent the whole day surfing around on myspace while he did "work" all day. That really was not any fun at all. I was hating my vacation for that moment. So after he gets finished with his work we decide to take a little trip. We decided we were going to this casino. On the way there we got lost from google directions, and I almost killed us because I was paying attention to what was going on in my head and not the road. But we stayed alive. So we get to the place and he was like ok.. we need to talk.. then we sit down and talk a little and I feel the conversation went well and we ironed things out. The rest of the night was smooth and the next day for that matter. He was a little quite but I didn't think that the following events were ever going to happen..

We get back in town and I drop him off. I was like ok.. good night have fun at work, I'm going to go out with some friends to check out the local spot. I get home and decide I'm too tired and it's too late so I'm going to bed. We exchanged a few text messages and I called it a night. Then I get up and go to work.. The day goes like normal we were both busy didn't talk much and then at night before bed we exchanged a few more text messages and called it a night.

Then the evil day comes. I was feeling a little playful and sent the morning email "hey I hate you for making me be used to spending time with you because now I'm going through withdrawal" Maybe that was a little too much? So ge gets to work and we start sharing emails. He proceeds to tell me that he things that he needs to spend more time focusing on work and his friends so we should take a break.. So me being the person that I am take it as a f**k you I don't want to talk to you because something more important has come into my life. I took it as an attack to me personally. So we continue to email eachother and I pretty much explained how I ditched all of my friends and everybody because of him and now I'm left hanging in the cold. Any chance of having someone to call mine has been taken away because I focused all of my attention on him. I explained to him how I don't like when people lead you on and then just kick you off the side of a cliff to die. The last major thing said was me saying "when can I get the key to my house back" and we make arrangements. As I proceed to say a million times.. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a nice life.

------------

now I'm not an emotional person at all. I was at my grandfather's funeral a little over a week ago and I did not shed a single tear. But because of this guy.. I'm sobbing like a little baby. Am I wrong for this? How could I let some guy have me so caught up. I'm angry, sad, and just confused. I find myself wondering what I did wrong, and how I can not let this happen again. I also find myself thinking that I would do anything for this guy and I really want him to come back. I know I do not have any business thinking that. Guys are not worth it. I guess it was just lust and hopefully I will bounce back quick. Maybe tonight I will be able to work on just forgetting him and not stressing anymore.

Well I have some things to do... So till next time.. Which I'm sure will be very soon..

have a Blessed Day.