A Day in the Life of Me

The random thoughts of me....

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Yet another excerpt from my new favorite book

I really suggest reading the book The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make by Carolyn N. Bushong, L.P.C

"In the instant intimacy of sex, you feel loved, appreciated, value, and wanted. No wonder you make the mistake of believing this is really love when you should be telling yourself, This is just sex. Sex is an intense physical initmacy, and with someone you barely know, that is all it is and all it can ever be. If you remind yourself that your partner's intensity probably has more to do with his own need to be loved than with any love he may profess for you, it will be easier to avoid making more of the experience than it is. This is not to say that he may not be attracted to you or that he may not enjoy being with you at that moment. He might feel these things, and so might you. But these feelings apply only to that moment, and they tell you nothing about your long-term prospects."

Top 10 Things Men Wish Women Knew...but Will Never Tell Them

1. The more available to me you are, the less I want you
2. I often act macho because for my whole life I've been told that this is what you really want.
3. I really do like strong women, as long as they don't use that strength just to bust my balls
4. I don't often talk to you becaue I think you really don't want to hear about my pain.
5. I fear deep, intense relationships because I'm afraid I'll let you manipulate me, and that threatens my masculinity.
6. I feel powerful when I take care of you, but I lose respect for a woman who cannot or will not take care of herself.
7. When I let you have your way, I sometimes hold it against you later.
8. Even though I say you're too emotional, your emotions make me feel alive when I'm with you.
9. When I'm quick to say i'm in love with you, I'll probably be equally quick to leave you.
10. Even though I act tough, I need love just as much as you do, and deep down I'm just as confused about how to find it.
- Carolyn N. Bushong

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Friends come and go

Well Bloggers I haven't posted anything in FOREVER. I guess I've been too busy.. So many things happening in the life of me.. Writing is good for the mind.. so I really should have made time to write.. A lot has changed in my life in regards to friends and such. I find it so strange that things like that can change so much.. but hey it happens. My life turned into an emotional train wreck after my accident. So, I decided that there may have been underlying issues and it would be best for me to talk to a specialist. For the past few months I have been seeing a specialist once a week. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder.) I have had a bunch of traumatic events happen to me in the past few years and I guess my accident just pushed me over the edge. But now I'm learning how to deal with things much better and my life is a lot less stressful. I guess it is the combination of therapy and celexa.

Brian and I have started talking and hanging out again.... (he was my date to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball pictures are on my myspace page)and a few of my other friends have since stopped talking. Which leads me to my blog that I recently posted on myspace.

So I was with some friends last night and one of my friends was like.. Hey what ever happened to ____? I was like.. ooh yeah well for some reason we stopped talking.. I didn't really know the reason why but hey I'm not stressin about it.. They were like wow.. .you and _____ were attached to the hip.. Every time I would see you for like 2 months you were together. So it made me wonder.. How can someone be like your best friend.. and then just one day out of nowhere it all just ends like that.. If someone is truly your friend can they just drop you out of their life like that? One of the struggles of life is finding those people that you can really trust and really truly consider your friends. People come and go and it sucks.. but I guess that some people are just really not supposed to be your friend.

I guess I could say that recently this has happened more times then one.. but that was one that just really stood out in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I did something wrong? But then I think about it.. and well.. people are going to act the way they want to act. They are going to choose the friends they want to choose... and it is out of my control rather it is me they choose to have as their friend or not. And when that time comes that they decide they no longer want to be your friend..... you just have to keep moving on. You can't let those things stop you or hold you back. There are so many people in the world to get hung up on trying to keep those happy that really might not care about you. And if one day they decide that they made the wrong decision and they want to be your friend again.. you have to decide if you feel you can be hurt again by they way they might treat you, or you have to forgive and forget. But a true friend will be there whenever the other needs something.

It reminds me of a situation when I was back in high school.... My best friend and I did not speak to eachother for months... and I didn't really know why.. and then one day I was on my way to school and I got a flat tire on the highway. Next thing my best friend drives by and notices my car. So, she stopped and asked me what was wrong. She gave me a ride to school and from that day on we squashed our differences. In that situation it made me realize that she was really my friend.. because when I was in need she was there for me despite the fact that we didn't talk for such a long time.

anyway... time to do something productive today..

Well Bloggers I hope to have more posts coming this way... till next time.. Have a Blessed Day.

Monday, August 14, 2006


One of my inspiring songs right now...

Maxi Priest

Believe in Love

Seen so many things through out my life
The only thing I ever seen survive the test of time is the strength of your love
When right seems wrong and wrong seems right just be careful be strong

[ Whatever my eyes can see, my heart can feel
Thats why I believe in love
Knowing my eyes can see, sure as the deep blue sea
Thats why I believe in love ]

You kissed me with everlasting smile
Gotta give thanks for the way you touch my life with your love
When right seems wrong and wrong seems right Ill be careful Ill be strong

[ Repeat ]

Well I can read your heart through your tears conquer my fears
Giving the benefit that you really care
Girl, I trust my heart in this love affair
Im here because I wanna be here
See girl just having you in my life playing my wife
Have me believing that this could be right
Yo, girl your love cuts like a knife
Im hoping youll show me the light

In the moments when Im alone
In the times when Im not sure
I can always call on you
In the moments when Im impaired
When it seems like no ones there
Theres one thing I know is true
I can always count on you

[ Repeat ]

In the moments when Im alone
In the times when Im not sure
I can always call on you
In the moments when Im impaired
When it seems like no ones there
Theres one thing I know is true
I can always count on you

Thursday, August 10, 2006

When to Walk Away

So I've been thinking about this blog post all morning, but when I finally get a chance to pluck away at the keys my mind draws a blank. How convenient is that? Well I'm going to attempt to put some thoughts together on this matter and see how it comes out.

Knowing when to walk away from something is a hard thing for most people to do. No matter what the situation actually is you force yourself to believe that it is what you want it to be. I have been in this situation many times, and every single time fails to realize it and when someone points it out I'm in denial. How do you know when to walk away? Sometimes you feel so strongly about a situation that you just do not want to let it go. Do you let go, or do you keep telling yourself that things are going to work the way you want them to? It's always a hard choice to make.

My suggestions in the aspect of relationships....... Keep in mind they are my suggestions.. That even I can not seem to realize or do at times...

When tireless effort turns into tiresome effort....
You can be working so tirelessly for days, weeks, months to figure out if it is going to be or if it is not going to be, but when your body starts getting exhausted maybe it's best to take the hint and figure out that it's never going to happen..

When you begin to feel as though you are on a one way road.....
At first when someone starts to like someone they try to figure out if the feeling is mutual, because they want it to be everything that the other person does that could even have the slightest hint towards being a mutual feeling they take it as a yes... Over time they may begin feeling as though all of those things they were doing before aren't happening any more, but they are still doing them.. They still put that person at the top of their list no matter what the circumstance, but the come to find out it is a one way road... I think that once that feeling starts to come the person needs to just step back and say.. Hey maybe I need to walk away from this because I might end up getting let down.

When the feeling of detachment comes into play...
Ok so maybe I'm not sure how to put this one.. But here goes nothing. Say you and this person are really hanging out with each other a lot, almost every day, and then all of the sudden it changes. Now if you even see each other once or twice a week you are lucky. The long nightly phone calls turn into a phone call like once a week or once every few days and only for a very short amount of time. To me that is a sign of detachment. Maybe initial feelings they had changed or they got scared because they were spending too much time with that person, so they had to remove them self from the situation.... But they still keep you hanging there on a string, because they never know when they are going to be lonely and want to pull on that string.

When the break down in communication begins to happen...
Remember when at first you could talk to each other about anything? You knew what was on their mind and they knew what was on your mind.. Heck you were even completing the other person's sentences. You got that feeling of ooh man we are perfect for each other because we know what the other person is feeling and thinking... When that communication stops you might want to consider walking away, because that says that either you or the other person no longer feels comfortable sharing their problems, stories, or whatever with you. If you can not communicate there will never be anything out of the relationship.

Well I had so many more ideas this morning, but I just can't seem to remember any of them right now. I think it's part of this whole depression thing I'm going through right now, but the good news is.. I'm going to talk to a specialist tomorrow and I'm sure they will be able to offer a wealth of knowledge.. This will in turn give me more to write about. This blog thing helps me to get some of my feelings out of my brain and I feel good about it because I'm sure there are people going through the same type of situations I'm going through.. And any little insight can help.. I know it helps me.

You may wonder why I post this blog..? Well I've been thinking about some advice I have received and given some of my friends.. We can all relate and we are all going through, have gone through, or will go through this type of situation. I have recently received some great advice from a good friend of mine about one of my situations.. And I kept telling her other wise... But in the past couple days I've been thinking hard about the situations and analyzing things so I came up with my little bit of insight.. What I do with it.. I don't know... But I feel good knowing that I have brained stormed and maybe some people will be able to offer good advice or take advice from it. Does it cure my problem.....? No not at all... But it opens my eyes to the whole picture a little more and keeps me from being stuck inside of my own perspective from inside my little box...

On that note bloggers It's time for me to go get my clothing from the cleaners..

Have a blessed day..

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


My random thought for the day...

Well I will hopefully be able to see a doctor soon and find out what this craziness is going on in my head. I think I'm going through depression. My accident made me realize how lonely I really am. I really need someone in my life that I can come home to, love, and care for. Nights out with the girls are Great... But they don't fill that empty spot in my heart. I just wish I were able to express my feelings..... I'm trying.. But maybe my efforts are worthless (most likely)...


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Random Thoughts for Today

I finally did it.... No musicless metro rides, no more musicless rides (when it get my new bike), and no more musicless workout sessions... I got my new IPOD. Yesterday I spent 4 straight hours finding new music.. 30 gig is a lot more room then my little 4 gig ipod. I'm so excited because now I can put videos and pictures on it. I'm sure I will spend many hours in front of my computer trying to find things to put on it.

I'm kind of getting a little interested in astrology. I never really cared much about my astrology sign and what it means. I always looked at that as being superficial, but recent conversations with various people has sparked an interest. Maybe it will help me to understand maybe why things could possibly play out the way they do.... Just a thought..

My family is planning their annual family picnic, and it's coming up in a few weeks.. I'm so up in the air if I want to go or not.. There are only a few people in my family I really care to see, and that's probably my parents and my grandmothers. My mother told me to bring whoever I want, hmmmm.. Do I really want to take one of my friends to meet the whole family? Most of my friends are guys and I am sure that almost every one of them would get freaked out if I was like hey you wanna go meet my family... I dunno what to do... It's at this amusement park... And I haven't been to one of them in YEARS.. But I really don't want to go alone and my family.. Well... They're not really people I hang out with..... I'll figure it out..... I still have 2 weeks..

So this blog has been sitting n my drafts for 2 days now.. It's about time I publish it and work on a new one..

till next post bloggers...

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


I've been dealing with a very annoying amount of pain ever since the accident, and the doctor can't keep giving me narcotics because they are highly addictive, but I can handle the pain.. If it doesn't kill me, it makes me stronger... So anyway, I started Physical Therapy today. Let me tell you.... Electro-stimulation, or whatever they call it, is GREAT. I love it. I get to lay on a bed for 20 min and control the amount of electricity my muscles receive. I find it very relaxing, and it is great for relieving some of the pain. I mean I'm still very sore when I get up from a stationary position, but that is understandable. I'm assuming that my back should be better sometime within the next few weeks... Which means, time for me to start looking for a new bike. I probably should take care of getting the SV paid off first.

Now on to the world of my emotional life. Well things have been pretty much at a stand still. I'm still hella confused about a lot of things. I can't figure out what I want, and I find myself getting my feelings hurt about stupid stuff. I have been trying to express my feelings and communicate what's going on in my mind, but sometimes I feel real stupid doing that, but I guess it helps. I'm caught in the middle of something right now... It's me trying to decide where I need to be relationship wise. I feel this emptiness inside and for some reason I keep thinking that it can only be filled by somebody. When I'm by myself it kills me, and when I'm with somebody I feel good, even if it is just hanging out watching movies, listening to music, playing video games, or doing whatever. Then would come my challenging situation.. Say I do decide it's time for me to be in a relationship... How do I choose the right one? I've made so many mistakes in the past and been treated horribly by just about every guy. How do I ensure that I don't allow that to happen to me again? In my mind my ideal person would be someone that has a lot of things in common with me... Someone that I feel I can do anything with.. If I want to go to a Reggae Concert... I want them to want to go with me and know that they are going to have a good time.... If I want to get on my bike and go ride.. I want them to be able to get on a bike and ride with me.... But in the same time I want to be able to have that time when I can just hang out with my friends and be secure knowing that I'm either going to go home to their house, or their at my house at the end of the night, or know that they will be waiting for a phone call from me to make sure that I made it home safely, and the same situation for them. I want for there to be a trust that is never compromised. I guess that everyone strives for the same situation.. But very rarely will the ever find it. Maybe one day the guy of my dreams will just walk into my life and ease my mind of lonely times.

And for one last thing...My frustration...I really need to stop being so dang shy.. And act upon my thoughts... Man would my life be a lot more exciting......grrrrrrrrrrr

tell next time bloggers
have a Blessed Day.
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